Critiquing my work “Rhythms of Abandonment”

2 nights ago I went to my second meeting of the Ayr Writers’ Club, where we reviewed each other’s writing. The previous week there had been a workshop on poetry, and we had been asked if we had any work that we were willing to read out to the group. As it was my very first time of meeting everybody, and the only poetry  that I had written, was work on my adoption, I decided not to stand up in front of a room of strangers and read aloud something that is very raw to me and makes me want to cry sometimes. However the second week I was willing to take it along to have it critiqued by my fellow Writers.

For those of you who haven’t read this piece, I will repeat it here, and for those of you who have read it before, can you spot the amendments from the first version?

 

Rhythms of Abandonment

I listened to the rhythms of your body

Your heartbeat, your footsteps, your breathing

Endured your tossing and turning

Between relationships

Now you want me, now you don’t

Do I have a say in the matter?

Apparently not!

 

Squeezing, more bodily rhythms

Lowing like cattle, roaring like a lion

Outside now, not at your breast or in your arms

Just hearing the rhythm of your footsteps

Fading away, you didn’t even take one look

An ice cold bath thrown over me

Severed Love!

 

Feedback

The piece was appreciated for it’s subtlety. Initially some thought it was a rejected lover, others a baby. Poses so many questions, “powerful” and “intriquing”. They thought the piece might be improved by losing the exclamation marks!

Their favourite line was the first one “I listened to the rhythms of your body”

 

Were they right? What do you think?

!

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Critiquing my work “Rhythms of Abandonment”

    • Thank you, your encouragement is very much appreciated. Blessings, Joy x
      Somebody at the writer’s club did suggest that I try and write a poem from my mother’s perspective, think that might be hard and emotional 😦 but it may appear in my blog anytime!

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